Dr. Gottman says I got it wrong!
Respected couples therapist and researcher, Dr. John M. Gottman, considers it a myth that just teaching a couple to communicate better will save their marriage. Here's what he says in Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, pp. 11-13 (Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition. Order your own copy by clicking on the book cover image below):
Perhaps the biggest myth of all is that communication—and more specifically, learning to resolve your conflicts—is the royal road to romance and an enduring, happy marriage. Whatever a marriage therapist’s theoretical orientation, whether you opt for short-term therapy or long-term therapy, or regularly read relationship advice blogs, the message you’ll get is pretty uniform: learn to communicate better. . .
. . . Indeed, there is an important place for listening skills and problem-solving techniques in building and maintaining a relationship. But too often these approaches are considered all that couples need to succeed. And couples who don’t problem-solve “well” are considered doomed to fail. Neither of these beliefs is true.
The most common method recommended for resolving conflict—used in one guise or another by most marital therapists—is called active listening. For example, a therapist might urge you to try some form of the listener-speaker exchange. . .
. . . Conflict resolution is touted not only as a cure-all for troubled marriages but as a tonic that can prevent good marriages from faltering. . .
. . . Since marriage is also, ideally, a relationship in which people feel safe being themselves, it makes sense to train couples in this sort of unconditional understanding. Conflict resolution is certainly easier if each party expresses empathy for the other’s perspective.
The problem is that therapy that focuses solely on active listening and conflict resolution doesn’t work. A Munich-based marital therapy study conducted by Kurt Hahlweg and associates found that even after employing active-listening techniques the typical couple was still distressed. Those few couples who did benefit relapsed within a year.
I don't disagree with Dr. Gottman's research. And to his credit, he does promote communication skills as part of the work he gives couples to develop — it's just not the solution to save a marriage without first identifying problem areas (the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse") and applying the antidotes. CLICK HERE to learn more directly from The Gottman Institute.
So this site is unashamedly dedicated to improving communication by teaching active listening skills. You might learn these skills and still have unresolvable conflicts that lead to break-up. Or, you can want your relationship to improve, and these skills will be an important ingredient to make it work.