LESSON ONE

Hearing

In this first exercise, you and your partner are going to do a one-sided conversation, where one of you is the Listener and the other is the Speaker. Agree on a time and place to do this where you won't be distracted, aren't too tired, or pent up with an argument on the rise.

The Speaker should pick a specific event that doesn't involve the Listener, such as a frustrating time at work. Don't generalize the event. In other words, make the conversation about what happened last Tuesday, not constantly for years, avoiding words like "always" and "never." Now try this script:

  • SPEAKER: I need to talk with you about something -- and it doesn't have to do with you or us. Is this a good time?

  • LISTENER: [Say Yes or No, but if it's No, then propose a time that would work better for you. Assuming you found a good time, proceed.]

  • SPEAKER: When [circumstance/event] happened [when specifically], I felt [feeling adjective]. [Remember not to share an opinion. Avoid "I felt like my boss shouldn't have..."; instead, say, "I felt discouraged and embarrassed."]

  • LISTENER: What I heard you say was [mirror back what you just heard]. Did I get it all?

  • SPEAKER: [Say Yes, or Yes, but you left out...]

  • LISTENER: Okay, what I now hear you saying is [add anything you left out]. Is there any more?

  • SPEAKER/LISTENER: [Continue until the Speaker feels sufficiently heard.]

Continue to...

LESSON TWO