LESSON FIVE

When your button gets pushed

It's time to take listening to a new level. This is probably where you wanted to begin, but you needed the first four lessons to prepare you for this. I consider it intermediate communication training.

This is where you have a situation where your partner has "pushed your button." It might be a small thing, like forgetting to take out the trash, or a huge thing, like secretly spending money on drugs. I believe couples can handle most of these situations themselves using these communication skills. But if the "button" that got pushed is overwhelming -- like cheating or substance abuse, you're better off getting professional help from a trained counselor. And if the situation involves some kind of abuse or violence, then calling 911 or fleeing the situation is your best option.

Don't mean to scare you, but that is the reality for many couples.

Figure out who will be the Speaker. I suggest it be the one who has more bottled up; better to get it out than to let it explode later. This time, the script has three sections: Person 1 is the Speaker; Person 2 is the Speaker (about the same situation); Negotiating realistic change. Let's go:

SECTION ONE

This script is like in the first few lessons, but now the Speaker chooses a scenario that involves the Listener:

SPEAKER: I need to talk with you about something -- and it involves you. I don't want to argue, so I will focus on telling you my feelings. Is this a good time?
LISTENER: [Say Yes or No, but if it's No, then propose a time that would work better for you. Assuming you found a good time, proceed.]
SPEAKER: When [circumstance/event] happened [when specifically], I felt [feeling adjective]. [Remember not to share an opinion. Avoid "I felt like you shouldn't have..."; instead, say, "I felt discouraged and embarrassed."]
LISTENER: What I heard you say was [mirror back what you just heard]. Did I get it all?
SPEAKER: [Say Yes, or Yes, but you left out...]
LISTENER: Okay, what I now hear you saying is [add anything you left out]. Is there any more?
SPEAKER/LISTENER: [Continue with sharing, mirroring, understanding, and validating until the Speaker feels sufficiently heard.]

Are you, as the Listener, triggered by this dialogue? Can't wait to defend yourself, set the record straight? You'll get your chance. But don't give up trying to put yourself in your partner's shoes. Once you both have been sufficiently heard, you'll be ready for negotiating toward a solution to the problem at hand.

SECTION TWO

This is like the last section, but now trade roles. The new Speaker shares both the feelings about the event/circumstance at the time, but also shares politely and honestly the feelings of listening to the first Speaker. Here's the script:

SPEAKER: I think I understand you better, and listening to you talk about how you felt about [circumstance/event], made me feel [feeling adjectives]. Shall we continue?
LISTENER: [Say Yes or No, but if it's No, then propose a time, preferably the same day. Assuming you found a good time, proceed.]
SPEAKER: When [circumstance/event] happened [when specifically], I felt [feeling adjective]. [Remember not to share an opinion. Avoid "I felt like you shouldn't have..."; instead, say, "I felt discouraged and embarrassed."]
LISTENER: What I heard you say was [mirror back what you just heard]. Did I get it all?
SPEAKER: [Say Yes, or Yes, but you left out...]
LISTENER: Okay, what I now hear you saying is [add anything you left out]. Is there any more?
SPEAKER/LISTENER: [Continue with sharing, mirroring, understanding, and validating until the Speaker feels sufficiently heard.]

SECTION THREE

You both may feel kind of raw emotionally now. Realize you've just done a lot of hard work, and now comes the reward: the ability to problem-solve without it returning to blame-shifting, defensive, hostile arguing. I don't exactly have a script for this section, but here are some guidelines:

Why do comedians joke about women just wanting to vent, and not be fixed? The answer puzzles most guys who just wanna fix the problem. If this is you, realize that the answer is simple. People don't want to be "fixed" so much as they want to be "seen" and "known." If you think about it, I bet you're the same way. Once your partner feels seen and known, they will be ready to problem-solve. But they will want to be an active part of the process, not be dismissed or controlled. So let this negotiation phase flow on the momentum you've built by first listening to each other.
Take turns proposing solutions to the problem at hand. It helps if one of you is the "scribe," but if you're the scribe, don't use that to your advantage to write down ideas and solutions with only you in mind. Be fair. Be inquisitive.
Think of your solutions as experiments. "I'd like to take turns planning dates with you, and go on those dates once a week." That's a good example. So give it a try. If you need to revisit the idea, tweak it or overhaul it, that's okay. It was an experiment. You might have to add, "When we go on dates, we won't talk about stressful things."
If you find yourselves getting off track, slipping back into thinking of your perspective as the superior one, or blaming, or disagreeing over the facts, just get back on track, without judgment. Thank your partner for listening. Give them the benefit of the doubt when their "delivery" doesn't match their intended meaning.

FEEDBACK

As you finish this lesson, please know that you've done a very important thing to heal your relationship. How did this advanced exercise go? I'd love to have your feedback in the BLOG section.