LESSON THREE
Validating
Now let's talk about validation. But first, as a treat and much-needed break, enjoy this short film on YouTube, called "Validation." It doesn't refer to validation quite like I'm about to teach you here, but it's a fun diversion.
By validation, I don't mean you -- the Listener -- discount or ignore your own perspective or opinion. You may even believe your opinion in the conversation is the best option. But for now, put your opinion on hold. Soon, it will be your turn to be heard!
As the Listener, continue to think about what your partner has shared with you. Did you notice that as you really listened, they were able to be more honest with you? Congratulate yourself, because you've just provided a safe place for them to open up and be vulnerable, simply by listening.
Now putting yourself in their shoes, try this script:
LISTENER: It makes sense to me that you feel [feeling adjective(s) they used above], when [the situation above] happened. [Wait for a response and mirror that back.]
[Alternate opener for LISTENER]: If [the situation above] happened to me, I might have also felt [feeling adjectives they used above].
You see, by pointing out how their experience makes sense to you, given their circumstances, you are VALIDATING their perspective. You are acknowledging that they have a perspective and that it's worth listening to. They will feel respected and may entrust more honest conversation to you.
At this point, you -- the Speaker -- should ask yourself, "To what degree do I feel HEARD, UNDERSTOOD, and VALIDATED right now?" Make it on a scale from 1 to 10. If your partner has left you feeling somewhere between a 7 and a 10, thank them for being the Listener and prepare for the next lesson. If the numbers seem lower, gently ask if the Listener is alright continuing in that role. Continue Lessons One to Three until you feel sufficiently heard, understood, and validated.
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